Saturday, October 13, 2007

Synthesis and Discovery

Recent events have encouraged me to return to this blog, review my work here, and look at my current life events from a different perspective. When I started this blog, the construct of the assemblage point was the most useful tool in my awareness. In the weeks and months since then, I have drifted into using other tools and as a result, my thoughts about the assemblage point have temporarily stopped.

As I stand back in this space, and look through this lens at the recent years of my life, I'm almost giddy with anticipation because I feel the powerful presence of this tool. There is an excitement about my recent projects that exceeds the excitement they generate on their own. It's the thrill of gestalt, the feeling of the pieces coming together... of suddenly realizing that my life is even larger than I have been aware. As I stand in the edge of this feeling, I feel the pulse of an expansion that has already started and is already pulling me into a new and larger space with a great sense of awareness. I love my journey, all of the moments, but these moments of pure expansion are among the best moments because they stand out as milestones in the moment.

I cannot summarize my journey since my last entry, so I'll ramble a bit and capture the highlights I see now. I found myself eager to embrace my physical life and the physical environment in a new way. I began a walking route through my neighborhood in the foothills of North Mountain and began tracking my progress on a map as if I were walking to the Pacific Coast. I committed to establishing a healthy lifestyle, which also included a shifting of my priorities so walking and cooking and other personal care tasks were the most important ones in my daily schedule, and they became the greatest source of my feelings of abundance and wealth. I was truly creating a daily life that felt rich and rewarding. My increased focus in my physical form had other benefits as I found myself in better shape that I had been since high school.

After 20 months of profound changes, daily riches, and real happiness, I suddenly found myself sick and alone, and discovered the strength of my desire to live in the midst of pain, fear and denial. I was 12 hours from death when I arrived in the emergency room in the arms of an acquaintance. During the recovery period, I found myself questioning my beliefs and doubting decades of learning. It was a dark night of the soul. I've arrived on the other side with a deeper appreciation of my beliefs and what I've learned, and a new understanding of how they integrate with living of my physical life. I had reached the end of myself in a very real sense, and turned around to re-embrace my life and my journey to my center.

A seed was planted during this time, and like that seed, I also set roots. After nearly 25 years of gypsy living, I purchased a home and began the dual processes of feathering my nest and streamlining my life, processes that were often at odds. Doing them together provided a shifting perspective on my physical life much like the sun transversing the sky illuminates polar sides of objects. This process was interrupted by the sudden and extended illness and then death of my father. His care was more than the family could bear alone, and I spent weeks each month with him and giving my family time to rest. My issues with my father were long ago healed, and I was free to really offer him my love during this time. I consider this opportunity the greatest gift he ever gave me. I am so grateful to have the chance to show my parent some of the unconditional love I received as a child, even if I gave back the unconditional love he only wanted to give me. Afterward, I stayed with mom to help her adjust to her new single life, and my relationship with her and the rest of the family was changed forever.

When I finally returned to my home and its recent move-in disarray, I was overwhelmed with my loss grief and the unresolved grief from my illness. Since moving into this house four years ago, I virtually stopped walking and soon realized I was hiding in the shadows of the clutter of my physical world. I knew I had to find my way out of this desert. Searching for a tool that would heal my heart, I found solice in a song that became my anthem for self-healing. My grief rolled out of me and left my fallow heart and mind ploughed deeply and ready for new growth. I've written extensively about this song and the grief process in another blog.

A year ago, I spent an entire week sorting and resolving the one part of my clutter that caused me the most pain and shame, and established tools so I can maintain this new order. In the last week, I finished a second phase of this project, a phase that I could not have imagined a year ago, and one that makes me very proud of my willingness to face and strengthen my weakest character flaws. As I found myself willing to do this work, and as the success grew, it provided momentum for many of the smaller projects I was working on. I suddenly find that my clutter is almost removed, and I'm living in a beautiful home with new furnishings. I'm almost shocked that in the last weeks so many longstanding projects have finalized and I'm living my vision in this home. My best self is living in my vision for my life.

I have many things to explore through this lens of assemblage point, and will start that work in the next entry. I've laid this foundation of history so I can remember my journey and locate the true milestones, the ones that appear after time. I can see now the bones of how these discoveries will play out because I feel the strength of these truths in the time I've spent reflecting here. I can't wait to get started doing this work.

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